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Four months. It feels like 4 days, or a dream. Or a moony vague adventure.

Legendary says once there was a time I remembered every single special days, celebrated with all my joyfulness and innocence. But time passed, my mind’s gone absent.

The guy I was in relationship back at the time in Washington, he remembered even my clothing at the first time we met each other, what I said and what I did (ok, that’s partly why I fall for him.) Nevertheless, I even didn’t remember I had met him before. I still keep in my mind anniversaries of my first affairs, first kisses; but for him; I cant remind when was our first day together. Well, it was a Washington cold midnight, I was wearing a pajama; him a pair of jean and a polo or shirt, in front of my house. He had called me and asked if I could go out and see him a little while. The moment he asked me “Be mah girl,” it took me kinda 3 secs to consider and answer in a fucking truly sincerely calm voice which was supposed not to be used for such a moment, “Are you sure you want it?” (The sucked thing is that it turned out he actually wasn’t sure.)

Perhaps there’re still lots of stuff about him in my mind (when I said stuff, it does mean “memory”, not “feeling”) But all of that is vague like a lightest curtain of fog. And in moments a piece of it accidentally sparkles, I have no feeling at all. Things seem so light.

I wish I had a better memory which saves all my feeling. I forgot the past easily; and now Im seeing myself forgetting the present with an increasing pace. It sucks, I know.

I can remember every amount of tip or dishes ordered from every single table in a morning (that supernatural power was tested today); how could I let my happiness and sadness fade away? Is it my fault or is it because those happiness and sadness, those emotional data have become too light to lay down there in my soul?

Rio Lam Signature

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Published in Ghi Chép


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