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My ambiguity at its finest

So, technically, this is my very last day at TCC. I have been in a community college for way tooooooooooo long, which sometimes drives me mad seeing my friends in university. By now, I haven’t heard anything from Texas A&M. And this is the feeling of waiting, isn’t it? It is the feeling of a swirling pain in your stomach when you at the same time both dream and have to keep yourself from dreaming too much. Because once your imagination climbs so high, it’s your heart falling down and hitting ground hard when the reality turns out to be not what you desire.

[background music]

[When you try your best but you don’t succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep

Stuck in reverseeeeeeeeeeeeee]

Ok, that’s (how come you don’t know) Coldplay. The stage is mine now again, please shift that spotlight to this place. Thank you! Don’t drive me crazy! That song has been obsessed my brain for days. I do want to cry. I did cry some days ago when I heard it; thinking about what I want and what I need, and all kinds of absurd relationships which fate can create between those two. 

I never depicted my last day of college would be like now: gloom and rainy day when I’m at home alone, listening to Piano Sonata No. 14 of Beethoven (which I heard a lot when I was a child. It was in my mom’s favorite CD) while wondering if I should take a nap or start to write again. Well, I’m writing now as you might see, but this is not really what I want to write. I just have no idea or interest to do anything.

Today reminds me of my high-school graduation day, which always keeps the position of one of the best days in my life. Life has changed, and I miss that little girl who had many good friends and good time in her heart. I wouldn’t say my life in this present sucked. Truth be told, it’s quite great (hahaha, quite great); and surely I will make it even greater. But that little girl and her time are memorable.

Today while driving back home (on a somehow broken car), it came to me  the question about what I’m doing and will do, in some kind of future. You know, I sort of have clear plans for myself: write, practice, learn harmonica and Italian, make friends and widen network, promote my name, read a lots, travel as many places as possible, work for a big association, love the world, forgive the people, etc. But it doesn’t mean I’m sure about what I’m gonna do. Truth is, despite of the whole detailed list which is typical for an A-blood-typed, I don’t have any certain perception about all those things. I just set them up so that I can keep track of myself and won’t get lost. But today, driving back home after my last final, facing a transition to-be in my life, I realized it was not that easy; it was not simply “fake it until you make it”; because you are only able to fake a relationship, but to make it love is another long story.

Do I love writing and reading? Damn, of course I do. Do I love travelling? Hell yeah! Do I love being popular? Well, okay. Do I love people? Sort of. And certainly I love to play harmonica and speak Italian fluently. So, why do I have this ambiguity in my heart?

Rio Lam Signature

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Published in Ghi Chép


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